Long time no post. I guess most of you who keep a regular read of your friends' blogs would be wondering about how I am doing now and also what I am feeling right now. Perhaps most of you would already be leaving this little blog a miss because I didn't update it for quite some time. If you happen to be reading this, be sure to take note, I'm glad that you came to take a peek.

Everything that has a beginning, has an end.

No, I'm not making a pun out of the Matrix series. It is just something that I have somehow decided to share with you all out there, a little something that is going through in my mind. A friend told me quite a long time back that my life has begun to be in a wreck right after my break-up with my ex. That it was the end of me being the confident and cheerful me.

True.

Right until recently, my mind has become clear to the fact that my misery has been going on for too long, especially so because I have inflicted this upon myself. I want out, but still am searching for answers as to how to break free of the way of life that I have grown so accustomed to for the past few years.

Creating things is hard, breaking it is easy. Or so they say.

Getting a habit or having a particular kind of identity is easy in this society that we live in. Our identities are both created by our own hands as well as from the company that we belong in. When we get used to having a particular kind of identity, it becomes habitual and we will start living in a life that we actually do not belong to.

Getting rid of a habit on contrast is very difficult. Most people rattle on and on about an old phrase, "Leopards never change their spots". I truly believe that this is the case. Most of us would find it hard if not impossible to break a habit that is already in our life. Smokers would not be able to quit. Gamblers will still carry on their gambling spree, even though it’s just buying 4D. People, who tend to eat junk food, will carry on and on because they like the taste.

I'm stuck in this life that I have moulded by my hands, and with the help of people that has been in and out of my life these few years. I can't say that I'm very grateful for what they have taught me, nor can I say that all of them had given me help. People are hard to comprehend after all.

I can't remember clearly but since a certain time, I have stopped contacting my friends. It is my fault for not trying to make a stronger bond between my friends and I, and I agree to that. Yet the very reason for not being that close is most likely a mental barrier that I have formed to protect myself. Call me selfish.

I do know that the mental barrier is to protect me from being hurt. However, I do not know what it is that I'm trying to protect myself from. From family? From friends? From loved ones?

The situation now is so bad, that I am slowly losing my friends, and maybe soon, my family. Also, without friends, there won't be a chance for any loved ones. I'm no psychiatrist nor psychologist. I can't even heal myself from this mental and emotional wound. Yet my childhood dream is to be one of those (I'm working on it, the moment I start army).

What I really need now is to have a person who could talk to me in her own way, reach out to me like no one else that I know does. Coldness is something I experience day to day, and I really need some human touch to warm me up.

Change, is something that needs to be done but most people resist change because they are always afraid of what will come next.