ID 2

I am all and yet nothing at all. From nothingness comes form in which I am me. I am me, yet I am not. Why?

Thinking back on my life so far, it seems that most of the time I have spent living as a complete klutz who is often bullied by school bullies.

That person is still in me, the innocent and blur self, hidden away from myself.

I was a complete jerk who seems to piss everyone off with my stubborn attitude, perhaps due of the "bad company" I was with during the time of secondary education.

That person is still in me, the aggressive and stubborn self, locked up deep within myself.

I was an attention seeker who sought for recognition within the forums, always trying to get at least a little bit of attention. Though there were no true friends, the short period of time we spent together was worth it.

That person lives on, free from the chains that locks it deep in me.

I was a passionate person who loved like there was never a tomorrow. I used to put everything I had into the relationship, just to get the same feeling back. I used to believe love is too pure to be polluted by materialistic things.

That person is dead, no longer able to feel anything... that is me.

I am now a person who is cold, unfeeling, silent, lost and afraid. Cold, unable to give the warm feeling to anyone ever. Unfeeling, unable to feel anything that is related to love and hate. Lost, wondering and wandering about in life, with no goal in sight. Afraid, because I am all alone in my thoughts, all alone in my own self due to the lack of self...

I can't understand myself now....

Anger Management..?

What does one do when one gets angry?

For me, I will have a black face, and maybe speak in a different tone. If there are no other ways to vent my anger, I will start to spend money. I didn't know about it until a couple of days back, when I bought 2 more starter decks for yugioh. Total cost for my cards now is very expensive, but... I don't care.

I don't like to be controlled, especially by my parents. I suppose this is because of the overly concerned nature of them since the time I kept getting into trouble. My rebellious side of me somehow made things worsen for me whenever I speak with my parents. Right now at my age, the thing that I do not want most is to be controlled by anything. If I have a girlfriend (highly impossible), she must be the type that will not be a control freak.

Basically, I'm a simple guy. I'll tell whatever I know and whatever I do to my parents when they ask me at home. Other than that, whenever I am outside, I expect total freedom (which I never get at all). In a way, this "give and take" relationship balances out by itself, but somehow it never works for me.

I'm just too confused... bah whatever..