Cascading

Feeling like I've just experienced a domino effect, the effect of events that came cascading upon me, I'm now unable to feel or think. Firstly, my grandma is in hospital. She has a hole in her lung and the situation is rather bad. However, I don't really feel all that worried about her condition, many reasons I won't say as it purely is family matters. Just put it that I don't really respect my grandma for what she has done to the family so far.

Feeling very heartless, but that's what I am right now anyways.

Just met my ex again, and some other forumites from sgforums. Felt rather awkward at the way the conversation goes, especially so because my ex was present. Then as I came back, had memories flooding my mind... about the things that happened between me and her. And just then, I was reading her blog. It happens that she moved on pretty well, while I'm still stuck in the hole that I dug for myself (the knot of my heart).

Heartless? or Afraid?

I am wondering about the knot in my heart, the accursed seal that is preventing me from having proper emotional functions, about whether it is a type of feeling that has grown over time...? or an enclosed area where the frightened me (true self) is hiding in. I said before, I wish to experience the certain warmth that one gets when in a relationship. Yet I am unable to bring myself to the state where one experiences "crushes" or "infatuation", why?

Afraid... of what?

Getting hurt? Disappointments? or lacking the Trust?

I have the character that will have no problem getting close to people, also getting close to people of the fairer sex, but this has become a part of a distant memory. I used to have an undeniable charm that can draw people close to me, but now that is lost in the mists of time long gone. What am I?

ID

I am Noel. I am AngelDark. I am Ryuza. Or.... am I? Who am I? What is my identity that I have to assume when the time comes? I do not feel like I am me, more like a part that is left behind. Where did my other "me" go to?

Noel, my name that my parents gave me. No, its not in my IC, but I've been using this name for a long long time, and whenever Christmas draws near, I tend to avoid shopping malls altogether, to avoid hearing the song "The First Noel". This name is unique as it is the name of the doctor who helped my mom to deliver me.

AngelDark, a name I have assumed since secondary school days, when mirc was just starting out and becoming more popular. Was supposed to be DarkAngel but because the nickname was already used, I decided to use the "flip side" of it. This "alias" of mine appeared on many occasions in Sgforums, Singalore, etc. This nick become more or less "notorious" and very much hated to the core by many of which I have offended in the respective forums. And perhaps that's why I have chosen to leave Sgforums, the forum in which much of my life has been based so far.

Ryuza, a nickname created one day when I was playing "Legend of Mana" on the playstation. I assumed this name as my "japanese" name. On many games that I play, I use this name. Ragnarok Online, Gunbound, Maple Story, etc. This nick still stays with me, a part of me that carries all my imagination, the playful and childish side of me.

I also assume the identity of nothing, no one, emptiness. Yet I am one in this world of everything. I do not know which identity I should be, even if it means that I must be myself, which one is me?