Back again from the two nights of staying in camp. Wasn't too eventful, wasn't too bad. Only thing that I remembered was the importance of letting the fan blow the wind in my direction when I sleep. Reason of doing so? To lower the rate of mosquito bites (having been bitten more than 10 times in the first night I think)

The parade came and went and another is up coming, so its going to be another case of high level of discipline and conduct until next week (the next parade is this friday and although it doesn't really require our help this time round, it is going to be held at the same place - right in the parade square outside our block and the surrounding blocks).

Thoughts

I'm normal again I presume. Emotions are starting to flow in me, little by little, yet this feeling is neither foreign nor nostalgic. I realised I am starting to show more signs of anger, more signs of happiness, more signs of worrying (if it can be considered as an emotion). Only sadness isn't anywhere nearby yet. I don't know if this is a good sign or not but from what I have experienced, my anger is something that will break me.

Speaking in the sense of inter-personal relationships. I'm born with an immense anger, some weird fiery child of intensity. I used to spark off at small things whilst in primary school, burn the tolerence of people in secondary school and ignite at any unfavourable things that came in my way during poly. All that was supposed to be a thing of the past when I finally decided to stop my emotions (somewhere during the poly days too), I wonder why is it surfacing again.

I'm not a bad natured person, I'm just someone who can't control anger very well. I've tried since secondary school to restrain myself, but the more I kept my anger within me, the more I felt oppressed (thus creating anger within myself) and it eventually leads to me doing things that are detrimental to me.

I'm misunderstood often, because of the way I speak. Taken for granted easily, because of my willingness to compromise. Made use of, because of the way I control myself from going against people.

Happiness is a daily thing, some small little bits of happiness can make the day go by faster and it makes one healthier too. I used to have very little happiness, since I was a small kid. I was always getting into trouble for things I never did.

Kindergarden - Got a toy confiscated because my classmate wanted to play with it (and it was a brand new toy bought by my grandfather).

Primary - Got picked on by many of the more "bad natured" figures in school and also my headmaster because of things I didn't do properly or also because I'm the scapegoat of many things that I didn't do but was the "culprit" because I couldn't express myself properly (yes yes, I was a crybaby).

Secondary - Got picked on because I was a nerd. Bullied because I wasn't the aggressive type and not a fighter. Had to give "protection money" to people who were in gangs at that time. Was the target of gangsters because of one of my schoolmate's friends and was beaten up badly, etc.

Poly - Bad experiences somewhere near end of year 1 and beginning of year 2 (don't want to talk about it).

But of course naming all the bad experiences seems like an excuse for me to have negative thoughts (and thus the anger).

So happy together

Being with friends is one way I can forget about myself, how I am as a misunderstood person and the other external influences that are affecting my well-being. I can just be the person that I want to be; quiet and calm, relaxed and efficient, assertive and confident.

These are the kind of qualities that would make me feel that the burden around me is gone and for that moment, I will feel a weird kind of joy, or happiness that grows within me. Nowadays I've been speaking to someone more and understanding her as what she really is. I'm glad to know her as my friend and I'm not regretting it in any way.

I'm happy that at this time of my life where everything seems topsy-turvy, there's someone out there who can understand me and cheer me up (I think? XP ).

I'll just see how things go, and perhaps I'll be able to find some purpose in my life.