Empty Void

Sorry about not posting anything for a while now.

Ever since my breakup with her, it seems like I have given up on almost everything.

I have somewhat become isolated from many things that has got to do with emotions as well as not being able to be myself as I truly am.

To make matters worse, I am handling the whole situation in an awkward way. I still see her every weekend, only because we are studying the same Japanese course in the same school.

I realise if I do not post anything or confide in anyone else, I would surely break-down in time to come.

I do miss her and I am reading her blog to find out how she is doing. Despite the fact that I am not supposed to even be bothered about how she is coping - I know I have left her very deep gashing wounds to which is too much for her to bear.

I do not ask for her forgiveness, only because I know I owe her lots.
I do not want her to be sad, only because she doesn't really deserve to be sad.
I do not wish to hurt her further, only because I know she will be better off with someone else.

Yet, I am unable to face her, because I am guilty of causing her so much hurt.

I had a chat with her after class, sort of inevitable. It was plain awkward as I do not know how to look at her to talk. I was also quite unable to bring myself to ask her how she is. And on that day itself, I was also on my way to my grandma's place, so I had to rush a little.

It felt weird having to walk by her side again - no longer are we couple holding hands and walking slowly, and to have a chat that sounds both of concern as well as malice (or jealousy).

We chatted about how our mutual friend saw me and another girl in a cinema, and she thought that I was dating again, but in actual fact I wasn't. I was also asking her about her date, to which she replied in a similar manner.

I honestly do not want her to know about my life, about whether I am seeing another girl or not, but I suppose fate is still tying our lives together at the moment.

I feel tired, not because I need sleep, but because I want to stop caring for someone who I cannot be with.

I need to be alone, I need to be dating again, but I doubt my heart will ever be filled with love again.

Lost in the endless void - the name of this blog, I suppose it describes my inner feelings the best.